I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
When I said I liked it rough.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake