There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.