[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
cause of death:
autopsy.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.