FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer