me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.