Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe