There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
jesus, what did this guy do
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.