Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
❤️❤️❤️
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes