Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Lmao
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok