Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
catch me on valentine’s day like
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
beware of dog
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”