The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Oh my God.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me when my alarm goes off
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I feel it
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.