[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Science memes
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
ME (calling my horse with no name):