Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too