sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Lmfao
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Happy thanksgiving!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people