[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis