I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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same energy
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.