i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.