Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window