So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You Might Also Like
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Great Canadian literature.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros