“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
You Might Also Like
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Camping tip: No.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.