My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
figuring out my emotional availability:
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
lol
Banderslack Clamberdorch
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.