Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…