🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*