ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
You Might Also Like
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
wtf is an acronym
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.