Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
cyclists
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Dishonest mechanic?