DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
You Might Also Like
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂