Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Anyone really
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case