Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.