They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
You Might Also Like
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
OKAY DAD
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I am HOWLING at this
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’d … I’d rather not.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway