If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one