[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
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Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
The Friday File.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.