Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio