Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The news
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…