when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.