According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”