In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Covid like
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
the noise i just made
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!