[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.