When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
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