There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Um … Hot Wings please