Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Baking is just science you can eat.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.