They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
You Might Also Like
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
#NoRestForTheWicked
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?