I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes