COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night