Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’m not wrong
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
same energy
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!