It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp