I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
put ‘er there pardner!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
when you don’t want to be too vague
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I’m about to risk it all
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”