where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You Might Also Like
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.