My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
don’t be scared
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”