When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”