Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
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Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no